Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I said I would, but I didn't.

Day 62: Nov. 19, 2013

Last night, I had a dream about trying to get back into analysis with a friend who wasn't even an analyst. We were going to have a session in a public place, where my mother was wandering around. I didn't feel right about it. I thought we should at least go somewhere private. And she asked me if I was really going to go deep. I thought I would, but then thought that could be weird since we were friends. And I thought that a complete stranger would make a better analyst. Then I woke up.

I said I would write every day in a journal while on vacation from the blog, but I didn't. I wrote maybe twice. And I painted one watercolor that was destroyed quickly by my children. I feel like I betrayed my blog by completely ignoring it , and not doing what I said I would. I was supposed to explore my deepest thoughts and come away with answers and fresh energy to write spectacular prose and paint vibrant paintings. I think this is why I had this dream. I'm trying to decide how much energy I would like to devote here. How much I can say, and if saying it is weird since its my friends and family who hear it.

Here we are again, though: the blank page looms. My husband asked me if I planned to resume blogging on a daily basis, or would I make it every two days, three days, or once a week. We discussed the possibility that by blogging daily, I am sacrificing other activities in my daily life. Our banter remained banal, like, I could be sacrificing my nightly TV viewing, or practicing violin more often. What was not spoken, but surely there in the air, is the possibility that I sacrifice my ability to keep the house clean and orderly, and I sacrifice carefully prepared meals, and I sacrifice my attention. Not that my husband was thinking these things (he was,) and not that these things are attended to when I am not blogging (barely.) But, ultimately, when we're not working or attending to our kids, we get to pick what to do with our time.

So, for now, I am going to blog everyday. And all the little random thoughts that go through my mind will probably show up here as usual. And I'm going to be grateful for the little things! For example, thanks to having my in laws in town for the past week, these are some of the things I did while on vacation: had a beer with my mom after playing tennis with her,  ran under the trees on the ridge line trail south of town, played two difficult concerts, hiked up a mountain with my daughter, watched my students play in a piano and violin recital, had lunch with my husband, slept.

I feel renewed. I don't feel any less crazy or insane, but I feel like I can face the blog again and the holidays, and the winter and the two year old.

Coffee: So, I'm not sure this is a confession or not. I bought one of those Starbuck's semi-reusable cups. The one's you can use for 30 days or so, then recycle. I was desperate. I was at Albertson's right before my 9th rehearsal in as many days, after 9 long long days, and really wanted a decaf. I'm still using it. How long will it last, I wonder.

Cups and Bags Challenge: Where were we?? Let me check! Wow! We were at $80! We're close! And I just checked my email and we have one more dollar to add from the past two weeks. Yay. $81, baby.


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