Not Ready

Day 71: Nov. 27, 2013

My friend's mom died two days ago. I'm thinking about him a lot. I'm remembering when my grandmother died, she was in her eighties, but died way too young. She was vibrant and young, got pancreatic cancer, and died six months later. I was furious. I wasn't done being her friend. We were close, playing music together, going to concerts together. I missed her and still miss her. My uncle also died young. He was 46. I was 12. There was a rush of sadness in our family. In my entire enormous extended family, and of course for my cousins and my aunt. I was too young to know what the sadness meant. This kind of sadness is still incomprehensible to me now.

It seems like what's unbearable, but essential in death is that the lives of the living must continue, and you wonder, how can this be? It's too much to ask, at least at first, or maybe forever. But it must. And the person who has left you resides in a new space inside of you, and at first, it is not enough. But then it is. And there's a gratefulness for having known and loved the person, there in your heart. 

Well, and then there's your community who also loved your person. The people who also feel the emptiness of the world because your person is gone. But they shed light on you through their having known her. Like, another friend whose mom died about a month ago, and who learned that she had friends he had never met. Friends from her daily breakfast at Waffle House. People who loved her and talked with her every day for years. The manager of the restaurant who wept and whose life had been touched by my friend's mom. 

I don't know what it's like to lose a parent. But I'm pretty sure I won't be ready for it when I do.

Coffee: none today!

Cups and bags challenge: back tomorrow on this one. Playing scrabble with my dad now.

Watercolor:  

Will post tomorrow!  Hope turkey day was great!