Thursday, December 5, 2013

Why I Keep Posting

Day 81: Dec. 5, 2013

You won't believe this! Today, I bought another grocery bag! Argh!!! I was buying groceries and saw a friend in line, and the rest is history. I didn't notice the cashier packing the bag, and suddenly there it was in my cart all neat and tidy. Oh, the slope is so very slippery. If only I would put the bags in the car, and remember to bring them into the store. Its not that hard.

In the last post, I wrote about how writing and posting everyday is a questionable task. Meaning, I question it everyday and wonder if this is the day it'll be all over. But, I think there is merit in this task. It's helpful. For example, ever since writing about my two year old knocking me to my knees (I know, its only been 5 or so days,) I've held it together. My strategy has been to remain calm and explain to both kids that I'm working on being more compassionate in the face of all out screaming, arguing, crying, lollygagging. And rather than beat them over their heads with a baseball bat, I remind myself that getting violent feels bad for everybody. And sure enough, this little speech is calming, and we move on.

After writing about "letting go," whatever that means, exactly, I think I've been doing that. Yesterday, I was trying really hard to get mad about not getting to rehearsal with enough time to warm up and work on spots, but the "letting go" post kept appearing in my mind like a head line, and it was no big deal.

In the beginning I said that I fully expected this blog to change my life. And in the same way that writing and painting and posting everyday is work, changing your life is work too. I remember reading somewhere that you have to work for your happiness. You have to make an effort to cultivate it. I'm not really concerned about "happiness," per se, but I do want to work on aspects of my personality that feel like a big mud puddle. That give me that restricted feeling, that kind of grip me in every day situations. That keep me focused in the future instead of the now.

Coffee: At a coffee shop right now using the wi-fi, drinking a house decaf.

Watercolor: (no watercolor paper.)

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